~Vampire Survivors Headcanons~

These are all the headcanons I've come up with for the many colourful characters in this decade's Italian computer gaming sensation, Vampire Survivors.

~The Belpaese Dynasty and Associates~

• The coffin ladies (Pugnala Provola, Giovanna Grana, Concetta Caciotta and Poppea Peccorina) always use each other's full names in conversation.


• Arca and Porta Ladonna have plenty of loud, melodramatic arguments about ethics, philosophy, and whether Fallout: New Vegas really is the best one. (It probably is, but holding it too zealously on a pedestal doesn't make- all right, never mind.) Lama tries to be a peacemaker between her siblings, but has sadly got in the habit of pleading "both sides" during arguments, which annoys everyone.


• As well as being the religious sort of father, Dommario is the dad-igious father of Antonio, Imelda, Gennaro and Pasqualina. They don't know it, though. Back when they were young, Dommario had the bright idea of sacrificing Imelda to the queen of the vampires. Zi'Assunta kicked him unforgettably hard in the nads and took their children far away.


• To get enough food for four hungry children, Zi'Assunta quickly developed a good eye for a bargain, and learned to be Utterly Shameless when asking for discounts. In fact, one of the main reasons she encouraged them to follow in her footsteps as a vampire hunter was the free chicken.


• Dommario is deeply ashamed of his past, the terrible things he did back when he had faith in the Most Holy Order. He hopes Sister Clerici never finds out. She's the closest thing he has to a daughter, and he couldn't bear it if she hated him.


• Thanks to his knife-related skills, Gennaro Belpaese is quite a good chef. He isn't so good with spoons, though, which means Pasqualina does the better soup.


• Pugnala Provola has quite a prim-sounding British accent. Apart from that, she's an unstoppable bundle of energy who loves to explore and fight and climb trees and wrestle and eat tiramisu. Her second-favourite guitarist is Hermann Li. Her favourite guitarist is Concetta Caciotta.


• Poe Ratcho is a law unto himself. He just comes and goes wherever and whenever he feels like it, sometimes inviting himself round for dinner, sometimes wandering into sites of ancient evil and turning them into sites of contemporary garlic.


• Giovanna Grana would like people to think she lives in a little cottage full of cats and mushrooms, but in actual fact her home is a council flat up in Verona. It's full of cats, and books, and a Nintendo Wii, and hundreds of board games which she'd love to play with her friends any time they fancy. Annnnny time they fancy. Any time Please?


• The flat is also full of mushrooms, because the cats can't be bothered to clean up while Giovanna travels for months at a time.

~Expansion Pack Characters~

• Menya Moonspell is keen on Glamorous Lady Activities: playing the erhu, dancing (although she's been finding it harder in her old age), wearing make-up, and flirting or being smug while fluttering a fan. Miang is somewhat embarrassed and somewhat in awe of her.


• Babi-Onna often comes around to have tea with Menya and laugh about current events behind fancy embroidered fans. They keep buying new fans and finding excuses to show them off to each other. It's fandemonium.


• Syuuto is Menya's granddaughter and a distant cousin of Miang. The black sheep of the Moonspell dynasty, he was exiled long ago for putting his feet on the sofa.


• Menya feared the worst when Syuuto was seen hanging around with a teenage girl, but it turned out he was teaching her archery. He's actually a very caring older-brother figure when you get to know him, and wouldn't dream of doing anything inappropriate, aside from putting his feet on the furniture. The girl has since become a lawyer.


• Miang has an impressive appetite, and once ate a whole Sammy the Caterpillar. The only things bigger than her appetite are her ponytail and her fighting spirit. Miang can make a big deal out of anything, including tying her shoelaces or making dinner.


• "Shut your eight mouths, Orochimario! Do you think I don't know that there's pain in this world?! I've felt the pain of a hundred defeats, but I've grown stronger, and I won't be defeated by a jar of kimchi! Grandmother, Cousin Syuuto, even you... You're all depending on me to make something delicious for dinner! For that reason, until the day I twist open this stupid lid... Or the day I perish... I... I will never give up!!! AAAAAARGH!!!!!"
  --Miang Moonspell, shortly before Menya threw a pepper mill at her and phoned for a pizza


• Orochimario glued the jar of kimchi closed as a practical joke. He also has a brother called Orochiryuiji who is much nicer.


• Eleanor Uziron is curious about everything and can't bear to leave a stone unturned. Since she was a small child, she loved going for walks in the forest, peering under mushrooms and admiring the snails, and not much has changed. One of her lifelong dreams is to dissect a dragon and find out where the fire is stored.


• Maruto Cuts is a cheerful, boisterous chap for whom life is one grand adventure. He has been known, without really thinking about it, to tuck Keitha and Eleanor under his arms and just drag them off to a newfound dungeon, or anime convention, or football match. Eleanor is usually happy enough. Keitha, not so much. One of Maruto's lifelong dreams is to tame a dragon and ride it.


• Keitha Muort sleeps on a mattress full of €100 notes. Her hobbies are haggling with shopkeepers, loosing poisoned arrows from the shadows, having one-night stands with elves and lying to the guards, both in real life and in Skyrim. One of her lifelong dreams is to sell a dragon to Eleanor or Maruto, depending on how alive the poor creature is at the time.


• Rottin'ghoul moved out of Abyss Foscari because one of the Fomorians kept eating her packed lunches.