~A Play Date with Destiny and Watermelons~

Summary

On a beautiful summer's day, Flandre, Cirno and Clownpiece drag Remilia out for a picnic. Thrills, spills, puddles and adventure await them in the Gensokyan countryside. Is there greater joy than to be a child forever? Well, yes, of course there is, but they've never heard of one.

This story was written back in 2019 as a Secret Santa present for Zek, in the Grassroots Youkai Network Discord server.

"Meiling! Meiling! Can Flandre come out to play?!"

"Wha... Whassat?" Meiling wiped the sleep from her eyes and sat up against the wall. Through bleary eyes, she managed to identify Cirno standing there with a basket and Clownpiece wearing lace-up boots a couple of sizes too big.

"We're taking Flandre on a picnic! Can you tell her we're here?" said Clownpiece eagerly.

"Oh, that's... That sounds lovely..." Meiling yawned grandly and noted that Cirno's basket contained a single large watermelon. "I'll go and tell her-"

"She's already coming."

Cirno and Clownpiece both jumped. Sakuya was perched on top of the iron gate with her plaits blowing in the wind, as calm and serene as always.

"Oh, wow! Did you look into the future or something?" asked Meiling, twisting her neck so she could see Sakuya without having to stand up.

Sakuya shook her head. "I merely guessed Flandre's little friends would show up now. I should warn you, though, there has been a small change of plan... Ah, here they come!"

The gate flew open with a terrible clang, leaving Sakuya floating in midair as if nothing had happened. Flandre screeched to a halt in front of her friends. So did Remilia, as it turned out.

"...Completely unqualifiable behaviour! I demand you unhand me this instant!" Remilia was ranting, slung over Flandre's shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "Dash it all, Flandre, I am a member of the Transylvanian nobility in excellent, dare I say magnificent standing! I do not 'play outside'!"

"Oh! Does your sis want to come to?!" cried Cirno.

"No I do not! All I want is to find a quiet place to work on my memoirs!" said Remilia.

"'Course she wants to!" laughed Flandre, ignoring Remilia. "Ooh, that watermelon looks delicious! Where d'you want to eat it?"

"Let's go to the stream you fell in last time," suggested Clownpiece, nudging Cirno in the ribs.

Cirno huffed. "I did not fall in! I was hot, so I went for a swim."

Clownpiece giggled smugly, which was difficult to pull off. "I believe you!"

"You saw, Flan! You saw, didn't you?!" insisted Cirno.

"I saw you trip over that snoozing tanuki," said Flandre sweetly.

"Shut up!" Cirno turned on her heel and ran for it.

"C'mon! Follow the fairy!" shouted Clownpiece, grabbing Remilia's legs.

"Right behind you!" squeaked Flandre, grabbing her shoulders.

"Ah... You will bring her back in one piece, I trust?" said Sakuya nervously.

"No promises!" Flandre laughed.

Remilia just lay there, bumping around like a human-shaped stretcher carried by two eager young paramedics. She breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh.

As she watched the gaggle of children sprinting down the lane, Sakuya couldn't help but worry. "I cannot help but worry, dearest love," she admitted, leaping off the gate to alight gently in front of Meiling. "I know our mistresses are to all intents and purposes indestructable, but..."

"They'll be fine! You can't just worry all day, you know." Smiling warmly, Meiling stood up and took Sakuya's hands. "Besides, now that we've got a little time to ourselves..."

Sakuya gasped, her cheeks reddening. "Y-you mean...?"

"Oh, yes! We can finally have that Scrabble tournament!"

"Yippee!" Sakuya jumped for joy.

The afternoon sun was warm and bright, but hundreds of puddless still dotted the wilderness around the Human Village. Cirno's bad mood disappeared as soon as she saw the murky water glistening on a winding path through the woods.

"Bet I can make the biggest splash!" shouted Cirno, leaping into a big puddle. Cold water flew up around her feet and soaked the hem of her dress. She burst out laughing, dropped her watermelon basket by the side of the road and jumped again.

Clownpiece looked at Flandre. Flandre looked at Clownpiece. They dumped Remilia beside a scraggly bush and went for it, laughing with glee as they splashed up and down the path.

Leaving them to their fun, Remilia pulled an ornate brassy typewriter out of her pocket and slid some paper into the paper slot. "Let's see now," she muttered to herself as she typed. "The Life and Times of Remilia Scarlet: Chapter Two: The Dawn of a Great Woman: A History in Several Acts."

"Come on, Flandre's big sis! Join us!" shouted Cirno, skipping through a long, narrow puddle.

"I'd rather have my head shaven by a drunk kuchisake-onna!" said Remilia. "Anyway, the great and powerful Remilia Scarlet was born in ◇▷○□⌘ during the year XXXX. Neither she nor her sister ever knew their parents, unless they did, in which case-"

"I'm a meteor!" declared Clownpiece, making a huge splash.

Remilia sighed heavily as her typewriter became waterlogged.

"I'm a mochi hammer!" squeaked Flandre, leaping into a muddy patch. "Augh, mochi hammer with soggy socks..."

"I'm the strongest fairy!" yelled Cirno, kicking up a spray of water.

"Well, yeah, we know. You keep telling us," said Clownpiece.

"I only say it 'cause it's true!" said Cirno firmly.

"This was a bad idea. My socks are soggy," said Flandre miserably.

"Set your feet on fire, then," said Clownpiece casually.

Flandre's face lit up. "You're a genius!"

"For Tsukiyomi's sake, Flandre, please don't!" groaned Remilia.

Wisps of acrid smoke began to rise from Flandre's faded red trainers. She giggled. "What was that, sister dear?"

Remilia sniffed, an action she instantly regretted. Burning socks were hardly the most delightful of smells. "I shan't be buying you any new footwear, so I suggest you learn to care for what you have."

Flandre thought for a moment. Her face brightened. "Let's all jump in the biggest puddle at once!" she cried, taking Clownpiece's hand.

"Sure!" Clownpiece offered Cirno her other hand. "On three! One... Two..."

"This is none of my business, I know," said Remilia, "but I have reason to believe that the watermelon is about to abscond. You left it on a bit of a slope-"

"THREE!"

Cirno, Flandre and Clownpiece leapt into the widest puddle. Water fountained up as high as Flandre's mob cap, showering the trees, the bushes and the nearby thousand-year-old adolescent diarist.

"Sorry!" giggled Flandre.

Remilia groaned. "How can you do this to yourself, Flandre? I'm soaked!"

"Come on, it's fun! Do we need another reason?" asked Clownpiece.

"You're about to need another watermelon," pouted Remilia.

"Another... What? I don't get it. We've got a perfectly good-" The watermelon rolled into Clownpiece's foot. She let out a piercing scream and, with the battle instinct that had seen her through duels with goddesses and shrine maidens, gave it a blistering kick.

Flandre, Remilia and Cirno cried out in rage and despair as the melon went scudding through the puddles, carrying a sizeable dent on one side.

Clownpiece's cheeks reddened. "Oopsie..."

"Why did you have to kick it?! It's gonna roll all the way to the Human Village! Someone might eat it!" wailed Flandre.

Cirno gasped. "They can't! I had to arm-wrestle Yuuka for that watermelon!"

"Yuuka?" Remilia repeated, not quite believing her ears. "As in Yuuka, the green-haired youkai with the umbrella? Yuuka, who once ate her way out of an iron cage? Yuuka, who can grow an entire forest in her dreams? Yuuka, whose power rivals even Amaterasu's fire? Yuuka, who claps her hands and sheds tears of joy whenever she sees a bunny hopping around?! HER?!"

"Quick! After that melon!" Cirno evaded the question, launching herself down the road.

"This is how you can redeem yourself, Clownpiece! Run!" agreed Flandre, grabbing Remilia's typewriter and running off.

"You got it! Let's go!" shouted Clownpiece, slinging Remilia over her shoulder. She shot away after the fairy and the delicious oval-shaped fruit.

"I do not believe a word of that Yuuka business," Remilia said to herself, "but this little escapade is getting a whole chapter when my typewriter dries out."

"I'm so excited!" Sakuya could hardly keep herself from bouncing around the room while Meiling and Patchouli set up the Scrabble board. "Without the young mistress here, one of us may actually win!"

"Yeah..." Meiling smiled wryly. "Are you looking forward to trouncing us, Patches?"

"No," said Patchouli, prompting Sakuya to give her the most baleful of looks.

"What a beautiful day!"

"I know! It was so rainy last night, too..."

"Well, you know what they say: April's weather is as fickle as April's, um. Weather?"

"How about as fickle as a kappa's stock portfolio?"

"Oh, my gods, that's perfect!"

Reimu and Marisa were laughing merrily as they wandered past verdant fields towards the Human Village. It wasn't often they got to enjoy a peaceful day out in the sun without some disaster or another taking place, but that day looked set to be a good one.

"Then again, doesn't rain mostly just fall on things?"

"Well, um..." Marisa pondered that question. The answer brought a beaming smile to her face. "What else is gonna happen to a kappa's stock portfolio in this economy?"

"That rather depends on whether they own an umbrella shop, doesn't it?" giggled Reimu.

"Imagine using a kappa-made umbrella. It'd probably have a built-in barometer, camping stove, compass, missile launcher and, um..." Something was demanding attention from Marisa's ears. "Reimu, can you hear squishing?"

Reimu blinked. "Squishing?"

"Yeah, sort of like when you push a wheelbarrow through the mud... Oh, hey, the mud stopped!" Marisa's boots clomped out a warm greeting on the flagstones that made up a short stretch of road in front of the village gates.

"I- I don't exactly, um, know what you're talking about..." Reimu glanced over her shoulder. "Oh, do you think it's that watermelon rolling towards us?"

"Could be." Marisa shrugged.

They walked on in silence for a few more moments.

"Wh-WHAT?! A watermelon?!" screamed Marisa, grabbing Reimu's arm and practically ramming her with her startled nose. "Why the hell would there be a WATERMELON rolling towards us?!"

"I-I don't know! Don't blame me!" wailed Reimu.

"I'm not! It's just really- AUGH!" The watermelon struck the backs of Marisa's knees and pushed between then. She whirled her arms around in a panic and fell into Reimu.

"What in the name of-?! Are you all right?!" cried Reimu, propping her up on her feet again.

"Y-yeah..." Marisa's voice was shaky.

"Quick! Follow that watermelon!" Cirno came storming down the road, her feet practically a blur beneath her soggy dress. "Come on, Marisa, don't be a lazy-bones! Catch it! Catch it!" she added, vaulting clean over the witch's head.

Reimu could do little but stare in amazement as Cirno crashed through a fruit stall and chased the melon down the high street. Screams and crashes followed in her wake.

Marisa reached for her broom. "Should we-"

"Gangway!" Flandre slammed into Marisa, using the typewriter as a battering ram. Marisa stumbled off the path and flopped down among some flowers.

"Melon on the loose! Gotta... Catch it..." panted Clownpiece, galumphing along in Flandre's wake.

"Don't slow down! We're almost there!" insisted Remilia.

"Easy for you to say..." muttered Clownpiece.

"Don't be a wimp, Clownpiece," Remilia scolded her. "Wait, watch out for that flower bed! No, don't-"

Leaves and flowers exploded all around them. Clownpiece laughed wildly. "That was awesome!"

"Never mind," sighed Remilia.

"Think I can splatter that rhododendron bush all over the walls?" asked Clownpiece, grinning mischievously.

"Hmm... That could be worth trying," said Remilia levelly. "Perhaps next time."

Reimu stared at the carnage for all of twelve seconds, silent and completely dumbstruck. "Not today, thank you," she said calmly, turning on her heel and striding back down the road.

"Reimu, where are you going?! What about the new special at Hitomi's House of Sashimi?!" wailed Marisa, chasing after her.

"I'm going back to bed! No-one look at me or say anything to me until the world makes sense again!"

With eyes full of intensity, Meiling surveyed the seven wooden tablets that held the key to her future. Seven letters, and she'd managed to get four 'ke's and not a single 'n'. Not even a 'de'.

"Well?" Koakuma prompted her. "Are you doing a word or what?"

Meiling took a deep breath and slapped down her letters. "Cake."

"Um." Sakuya squinted at the 'ke' and 'ku' tiles, then handed them back to Meiling. "I am afraid our language does not work that way. If we were using katakana, then perhaps, but..."

"Fine." With heavy heart, Meiling deployed every tile she had that wasn't a curvy two-lined 'ke'. "Kunai. That's a word, right?"

"Oh, don't be atrocious, Meiling! We're playing Scrabble! Now, Koakuma, do you have-"

Koakuma slapped down seven tiles. "Irasshairu," she smirked, crossing her arms. "You've either got it or you haven't."

"Hmmm..." Cirno's brow hung heavily as she inspected the watermelon, which had come to an unsteady halt by the shoe rack in front of the book rental place. "I have to say, the watermelon's not looking happy. Think we can still eat it?"

Flandre squinted at the melon. "Well, Kosuzu's sandals caught the worst of the explosion, and the red stuff doesn't look too bad."

"There's some big shards in the flower bed," Clownpiece commented. "If we wipe the mud off them, maybe...?"

"Oh, for heaven's sake, you bunch of idiots, it's ruined!" snapped Remilia, barely glancing up from her typewriter. "None of that gourd is fit to consume, sundered as it has been by our hubris and our ignorance. Oh, Clownpiece, if you had hesitated but one moment before you kicked it down the road! And Cirno, sweet Cirno, if only you had not, um... Just generally not. Fool that you are."

"I-I'm not! I'm the strongest fairy! This is just a minor setback... It's-it's... Nothing..." Cirno's voice caught in her throat. She clamped her eyes closed and tried to hold back the tears, but they soon fountained out, accompanied by an ear-splitting wail of anguish.

Flandre rounded on Remilia. "How can you talk to her like that?! She tried her best!"

"Hey, don't blame me! All I'm saying is that Cirno could have averted this catastrophe if she'd made better decisions!" said Remilia, playing the unjustly persecuted truth-teller.

"She arm-wrestled Yuuka for us," said Flandre heavily.

"I lost," sniffled Cirno. "I challenged her for the whole field of watermelons, but she beat me without breaking a sweat. I cried then, too. She gave me that watermelon out of pity. And that's the story of my life, really." Cirno fell to her knees in despair. "All I ever do is lose and fail and get taken pity on me!"

"Oh, Cirno..." Flandre's heart ached for the poor fairy. "Don't feel bad! Even if you missed out on a million tonnes of melons, you still brought us that one! You're a good friend and a kind, lovely person."

"I was the one who kicked it, Cirno. That wasn't your fault." Clownpiece knelt beside Cirno and draped an arm around her shoulders. "Mistakes happen, lil' sis. Sometimes you just get it all wrong. Sometimes you dunk your mum's favourite flip-flops in lava, and yeah, she'll go nuts, but your other mum's got combat boots in her size, and you'll hold onto them next time, and then it'll just be a memory."

"You're right..." Cirno wiped her eyes on a trailing end of Clownpiece's hat. "What can we do, though? Our lunch is ruined."

"I don't know... Buy a watermelon, maybe?" Clownpiece rifled through her pockets, turning out a spare sock, a button, some black sand and a small grasshopper. The grasshopper leapt onto her nose, making her sneeze loudly.

"Maybe we could go fishing! I don't have a fishing rod or a net or any worms, but, uh..." Flandre's gaze fell to her ash-covered feet. "Forget it. All we can do is-"

The typewriter flew from Remilia's hands with a crash that made everyone jump.

"If all of you just want to be miserable, count me out. I'm solving this quandary," declared Remilia, marching over to Suzunaan's door. "Oh, yuck, I stepped in watermelon!" she added, scraping it off on the doorstep as she knocked.

Kosuzu poked her head out after a couple of seconds and gasped when she caught sight of Remilia. "Oh, my days, you're a vampire!"

"I'm THE vampire, thank you very much," said Remilia coldly. "Anyway, I happened to read your editorial on crepes in the Bunbunmaru last week. Could you recommend a good crepe shop for me?"

"Crepe shop? Well, um..." Kosuzu wracked her brains and tried not to salivate at the mere thought of her favourite crispy, eggy delight. "I hear that changeling who started a bakery out in the forest is really good, and there are always crepe stalls at the market. Or you could go to Mother's Deliciousness on West Tanuki Avenue if you're looking for a more upmarket crepe, or, um..."

Leaving them to their business, Flandre nudged Cirno. "I think Remilia's got an idea!"

"R-really?!" Cirno looked up with hope in her eyes.

"Gee, Inspector, what could possibly have given you that impression?" muttered Clownpiece.

"I do like the sound of this 'Mother's Deliciousness'. How upmarket are they, exactly?" asked Remilia, digging through her pockets.

"Oh, very! You could buy five crepes at the market for the price of one, uhh..." Kosuzu's voice faded when she caught sight of the pile of jewellery in Remilia's frilly kitten-shaped purse.

"Excellent. I wouldn't want anybody thinking I was poor," smirked Remilia.

"You- you can afford-?! Wait there! I have to get my shoes on! Um, because you'll need a guide, after all!" Kosuzu practically dove out of the door, slipped off her slippers and booted up her short boots. Glancing over her shoulder, she added, "Mummy, I'm going out! Want a crepe or anything?!"

"I'll have a honey and lemon one, please! And tell me if you have to go and save the world this time!" came the muffled reply.

"Come on, come on! This way!" Kosuzu bounded out of the door and jumped for joy as she pointed towards the upmarket patisserie. "Oh, this is going to be the yummiest day of my life! I can't wait!"

"Um," said Remilia, "I never said you were com- Mmmpfh?!"

"You're the best, Flandre's big sis!" Cirno pounced on Remilia and hugged her tightly, beaming from ear to ear.

"Our lunch is saved!" agreed Clownpiece, running over to snuggle Remilia from the other side.

"I love you, Remi!" squeaked Flandre, leaning past Cirno to hug Remilia higher up.

"C-come on, you're squashing me!" wailed Remilia, her cheeks turning pink. "Augh... I've killed people, you know."

Kosuzu was still jumping for joy, but her face betrayed her impatience. "Hurry up, will you?! The sooner we go, the sooner we can have crepes!"

Remilia broke away from the pile of loving friends and, before Kosuzu could utter a word of protest, scrambled up onto her back. "All right, you eager beaver, lead the way."

"A-as you wish..." groaned Kosuzu. "Follow me, everyone! Ow."

"Coming!" Cirno grabbed the typewriter and trotted away in pursuit.

"Eight, eleven, thirteen, and on a double word score, that comes to twenty-six points! You've taken the lead, Koakuma!" Without any prompting, Sakuya had become the group's unofficial commentator. "And now, the beautiful Hong Meiling has the board. What will she do?"

"Thanks for the pressure, sweetie... Oh!" Meiling gave a little gasp of delight and put down her tiles. "Chirashizushi!"

"Wonderful! You can do it!" Sakuya squealed with delight. "And after this amazing comeback, Meiling is still stone-dead last, but not by quite so much! Patchouli is up next! Let's see whether she can take back the lead from her multitalented handywoman..."

The shop boy at Mother's Deliciousness was hardly expecting to see so many little and not-so-little girls with wings crowding in front of the counter. Undaunted, he pulled out a notepad. "What do you fancy? We have a selection of pastries fresh from the oven, including some, um, meat-based sweetmeats for youkai. Meatmeats, we like to call them. Or, um, we have three hundred flavours of KitKat, very popular with fairies."

"I'll have a blood crepe, please!" said Flandre brightly.

"A strawberry crepe will do me nicely," requested Remilia.

"I'd like a plum jam crepe, a pork and mixed vegetable crepe, a scrambled egg crepe, a chocolate crepe, a coffee and cream crepe and two honey and lemon ones!" Kosuzu listed off. "Put one of the honey and lemon ones in a box, please. And she's paying," she added, gesturing to Remilia.

"For my sins," said Remilia darkly.

"Got any baklava?" asked Clownpiece, licking her lips.

"I want a watermelon!" declared Cirno.

The shop boy laughed nervously. "Um... Unfortunately, we don't have any fresh fruit, so. Um. I can sell you a watermelon pasty, maybe? And as for the blood-"

"I'll take two!" squeaked Cirno.

"All right, then! Now, about your-"

Clownpiece slammed her hands down on the counter. "Oi, what about my baklava?!"

The shop boy flinched. "I-I was just getting to that! We, um, sadly don't have any baklava right now, but there's imagawayaki and moon cakes, and a pistachio nut strudel..."

"Moon cakes!" gasped Clownpiece. "I love moon cakes! I'll take five!"

"Of course! Um, what filling would you-"

"Is there gonna be a problem with my blood crepe?" Flandre butted in.

"Um, yeah... Because, um..." The shop boy almost seemed to shrink behind the counter. "We don't carry any blood-related products in here?"

"Oh..." Flandre's face fell. "Peanut butter?"

"S-sure! We can manage a peanut butter crepe..." The shop boy scribbled down Flandre's order, barely managing to hold the pen with his sweaty hands. He looked at Cirno. "Um, what was your order, Miss?"

"Hmm..." Cirno scowled in concentration. "I definitely ordered something here. It was on the tip of my tongue just moments ago, but what? Some kind of... fruit, maybe? A round green one? Oh, whatever could it have been?!"

Clownpiece giggled naughtily. "Give her a lime!"

Cirno gasped. "I remember! I remember! A pair of roller-blades! Watermelon-flavoured roller-blades to go, please! And a black forest gateau!"

In a moment of pure, blissful clarity, the shop boy cast aside his notepad and broke down in tears.

With a huge smile on her face, Sakuya flopped down on top of the empty table and sighed delightedly. "By the gods, I'm exhausted... But that was the most fun I've ever had. I love Scrabble!"

Meiling raised her eyebrows. "What about all those times we-"

"Not in front of Koakuma!" Sakuya cut in, blushing vividly.

Koakuma scoffed. "Come on, you think I haven't heard all the thumping and shouting at night? You're not even that bad at disco dancing. There's really no reason to be embarrassed."

"You haven't seen their platform shoes," muttered Patchouli.

After a change of shop assistant, the patient staff at Mother's Deliciousness managed to serve up a feast for the ages. Most of the crepes had gone cold while the pastry chef was making Cirno's strawberry and seafood calzone, but they managed to pack everything up in a stack of boxes and hand Remilia the bill.

The former shop boy had taken a few pork pies and set off for Vietnam, waved off by tearful colleagues who knew that, even though he could be a bit flaky, there was nobody who could arrange the shelves or tap-dance quite like their dear friend Yuji. Hopefully the magical youkai-fighting men's lacrosse team in Saigon would appreciate their new warrior as much as he deserved.

"I've got the food," declared Kosuzu, picking up the stack of boxes. They teetered precariously in her trembling arms.

"I've got the Kosuzu," declared Flandre, picking up Kosuzu. She let out a yelp of startlement.

"Which way's Saigon?" asked Yuji.

"Turn right at Laos," said Remilia. "So, anyway, where do you feel like eat- augh! Get off!"

"I'm not on you, silly! You're on me!" giggled Cirno, holding the struggling Remilia above her head. "Hey, Clownpiece, don't forget the typewriter."

Clownpiece obediently picked up the typewriter and stuffed it under her hat. "Wanna go back to your place?"

"Whose place?"

"The mansion."

"Oh, sure! Is that all right, Flandre?"

Flandre nodded. "Better saddle up, Kosuzu! We're going home for lunch!"

Kosuzu went pale. "I-I can't go to a vampire's mansion! There could be skeletons or bats or floating axes or dragons or floating dragon skeletons or-! And besides, I have to give Mummy her crepe before it gets cold! Colder, anyway."

"Don't worry about that! Just give it to me!" said Flandre.

To Kosuzu's everlasting amazement, a second Flandre materialised in front of the one carrying her and floated up to take the crepe box. Flandre waved goodbye to Flandre and shot off towards Suzunaan.

Remilia smiled. "I'm never going to get tired of seeing you do that."

"I'm never gonna get tired of seeing myself do it!" agreed Flandre, sticking her tongue out. "Hungry, on the other hand..."

"You're right. We'd better hurry home," said Remilia. "Onward, sisters, and don't spare the fairies! Let's ride!"