~The Great Danmaku Festival~

Summary

The Great Danmaku Festival is a relatively long kind of short story. Against the backdrop of a festival to celebrate spell-card duels, Reimu is forced to contend with Hikari, an insufferable shrine maiden who thinks she should be (gods forbid) respectable and (gods FORBID!) take her religious duties more seriously than frivolous ritual combat. Thankfully, Reimu's friends come together to intervene in spectacular fashion, bringing the spirit of tokusatsu to the Human Village and humble pie to Hikari.

Reimu squinted down at the mildly tea-stained map that dominated Kasen's queen-sized kotatsu. "Are you sure the old festival grounds are going to be big enough?"

Reclining on the straw mats behind her, Yukari laughed. "Come on, of course they will! We used to have some good times out in the forest, didn't we?"

"You bet we-" Kasen caught herself before she gave something personal away. "I, um, have no personal history with Yukari! No siree!"

"Of course you don't, silly," tittered Yukari. "You'd be on the horns of a dilemma if you did!"

Kasen's face whitened. She squeezed herself a little further under the heated table.

"Anyway," said Kanako firmly, "what are we doing for the catering?"

"Don't look at me," said Reimu destitutely.

"I... I'm not, of course." Kanako gave her a slightly pitying look. "The Moriya Shrine can provide plenty of rice. How about one cauldron of rice porridge, one of katemeshi and one with tender beef and pork? We'll charge extra for that, of course-"

"We're planning a festival, Kanako, not a get-rich-quick scheme!" Marisa angrily interrupted. "No-one has to pay more than their ticket. If we do end up making a profit, it'll go to, um, the needy..."

Reimu tried to look innocent.

"Well, the rice does sound delectable! I can probably source some fine meats, if they are wanted," said Yukari. "No quesions asked or answered!" she added, wagging her finger in Kasen's general direction.

"I'll get my people to make salad," Miko piped up from her seat in front of a pastel-coloured tapestry. "And some little cups of seven-herb porridge. Oh, and okonomiyaki, with cabbage and everything! And takoyaki! And a roast ox!" She licked her lips like a true woman of Osaka.

"I could bake some cakes," offered Kasen. "How would you all feel about imagawayaki shaped like bullets?"

"Sounds good to me," said Reimu.

Marisa cleared her throat. "I know the food's going to be important, but what about the actual events? Like, the duels, the martial arts tournament, the mud-wrestling-"

"I told you, we're not doing that!" Kasen smacked Marisa on the head with a paper fan. "I was thinking we might start the festival with a couple of exhibition matches. You know, some of the greatest fighters using their prettiest spell-cards to get everybody in the mood."

Yukari nodded. "Makes sense."

"Who's going to set up the chairs and whatnot?" asked Kanako.

"Byakuren wants to," Miko smirked. "She doesn't know she wants to yet, but when I tell her it's too much work for a Budhhist...!"

"Do you think we'll dig the mud pit," asked Marisa, "or set up a box to put all of it in?"

Reimu jabbed Marisa on the tip of the nose with her wand. "We will have a dohyo," she said firmly, "for normal fights. Clothed fights."

"You're no fun..." pouted Marisa.

"I want the first Great Danmaku Festival to be fun for everyone, Marisa! Not just the ones who like watching people mud-wrestling!" snapped Reimu.

"Everyone likes mud-wrestling," Marisa continued to pout.

"Well, it's not suitable for children or fairies," said Reimu firmly.

"They have mud-fights!" protested Marisa.

"That's just innocent, wholesome fun! Mud-wrestling is a completely different... Ball-park... Of cake!" Reimu mixed her metaphors. "We're not doing it. Find some way of coping!"

"Oh, I don't know. I wouldn't mind getting a little dirty with Yuyuko!" Yukari smiled and fluttered her fan.

"I'd wrestle in egg custard if I had to," said Miko matter-of-factly. "Not the cheap stuff made out of cornflour. Real custard."

Reimu put her head in her hands.

"Anyway," said Kanako firmly, "what about the main tournament? We're doing randomised brackets, aren't we? And shouldn't somebody be writing this down?"

After three hours of exhaustive planning, Reimu's stomach was practically a black hole, so she asked Marisa if she felt like paying for lunch. They headed for the Old Wicker Basket in the Human Village and took a cosy table nestled between the bookshelf and the window.

"I love this place!" Marisa leaned back in her chair and bounced a little, almost dislodging a book of spaghetti recipes by Tamamo-no-Mae. "You should try the teriyaki octopus. It's so spicy and yummy!"

"No, I think I'll, um..." Reimu cast her eyes over the menu. "I'll have the pork cutlet sandwich and vegetable soup."

"If you like," said Marisa. She stood up and wove her way through the tables to the counter.

Reimu sat back and tried to keep herself from salivating too much. After a few moments, she saw a familiar figure squeezing her frilly dress past the bookshelf.

"Oh, Reimu! I had no idea you could afford to visit restaurants!" The ever-blunt Alice hitched up her skirts and took a seat next to Reimu.

Resplendent in her cute little red bow and adorable dress, Shanghai touched down on top of the sugar bowl and blew a Reimu kiss. Alice gave a little squeak of delight.

"Um... Marisa's paying," admitted Reimu. "So, what brings the two of you here?"

"My sweet tooth." Alice smiled. "Would you like some manjus?"

"Oh! I-I don't want to impose!" Reimu's whole face lit up. "But, I mean, I wouldn't mind..."

"Don't worry! Nothing is too good for my girlfriend's inconveniently monogamous chum." Alice giggled and headed to the counter.

Reimu stared at Alice's retreating back, wondering whether she should be offended. She was about to say something when Marisa flumped down in the chair Alice had vacated.

"It'll be here in a few minutes," declared Marisa. "I don't know about you, but I sure am hungry. Oh, hello, Shanghai!"

Marisa patted Shanghai on her tiny little head. Reimu was sure she saw the doll's cheeks turn slightly redder.

"So, Alice is here..." said Reimu weakly. "I mean, me too, I'm hungry too! Of course we are! Um, do you-"

"Honestly, we'd better feed you up before the tournament. Can't have spell-card duels on an empty stomach," Marisa continued blithely.

"Well, um, thank you! Listen, though, you do understand I can't split my very soul between two girlfriends-"

"Here I am! Back again!" Alice took her seat. "Have you been a good girl while I was gone, Shanghai?"

Shanghai said nothing, because her mouth was just painted on.

"Of course she has," said Alice breezily. "Well, then! Well... then. This is nice, isn't it?"

"Mm-hmm!" Marisa nodded enthusiastically. "We've been planning for the festival on Saturday. There's lots to do."

"Oh, of course, the festival! I had a feeling somebody would set one up sooner or later. The villagers have been all a-flutter about it," said Alice.

Reimu's eyebrows rose. "Really? I thought spell-cards were just a survival tool for them."

"And since when did you know what they're all a-flutter over?!" cried Marisa.

"Since I started teaching handicrafts at the school," said Alice matter-of-factly. "Yesterday morning. Yes, even the students are crazy about their guardian!"

"They are?!" A warm blush spread itself across Reimu's face. "I... I didn't think anyone cared!"

Alice gave her a strange look. "Why, Reimu, of course they care about Marishi-ten, goddess of protection, patron of light and prosperity, owner of an indeterminate number of arms and faces, also known as Marici!"

Reimu froze in mid-blush.

"They named a goddess after me? For real?!" gasped Marisa. "That's amazing! Wait till I tell the rest of the gang about this!"

"I'm sure they will be glad to know," said Alice. "But, yes, the villagers are terribly excited about the festival in Marishi-ten's honour being held this Saturday. Hikari has been as busy as a bee, and she's thrilled to have the Shrine Maiden of Paradise as a guest of honour!"

"Gue-guest of honour? On Saturday?! Alice, shouldn't somebody have told me about this?" said Reimu archly.

"She did! Well, in a manner of speaking." Alice gave her throat a nervous clear. "Hikari's exact words were 'that scrawny youkai-loving gendered slur had better show up if she calls herself a shrine-maiden', so, um... Ah, your food's here!"

Reimu accepted her sandwich and bowl of soup and tucked in with a vengeance. She couldn't believe the nerve of this Hikari person, expecting her to go to some boring religious ceremony instead of having fun with her friends all night.

"Who is Hikari, anyway?" asked Marisa between bites of spicy octopus.

"A shrine maiden," said Alice.

Reimu spat out a mouthful of soup. "An-anoth-ano-another one?!" she spluttered.

Alice nodded. "She's been around for years. Did you not notice?"

"No..." said Reimu weakly.

"Well, Hikari runs a shrine to Marishi-ten near the edge of the village. She's been doing good business lately," explained Alice. "A fair few of the villagers listen to her. It could be bad for your reputation if you don't show up."

"My reputation? I barely even have one..." Reimu could feel her heart sinking into the pit of her stomach, where at least the soup could keep it warm. "So I have to go to this stupid Marishi-ten festival, is that what you're saying?"

"Um... It isn't that you have to, per se, but it might be for the best." Alice smiled apologetically. "Perhaps you could discuss it with Hikari! Yes, I'm sure she'll understand the situation."

Hikari turned out to be quite tall, with golden hair and a loose-fitting yellow kimono that looked as good as new. Her small wood-and-brick shrine had pride of place at the end of a wide earthen road, flanked by shops, small gardens and pleasant wooden houses. Hikari herself was busy sorting through the pile of money, sweets, jewellery, small items of clothing and antique weaponry spilling out of her donation box.

Flanked by Alice and Marisa, Reimu gingerly reached up and tapped the lanky shrine-maiden on the shoulder.

"Hm?" Hikari swept around to face her with a cheery smile. "Ah, three short women I've never seen before! Can I help you with anything?"

"Ummmmm..." Ten seconds went by without a single intelligible word out of Reimu.

"Come on, just talk to her!" hissed Marisa, elbowing Reimu in the ribs.

"R-right!" Reimu cleared her throat. "Um, I am Reimu Hakurei, from the Hakurei Shrine."

Hikari's smile faded. "Oh, so you're the youkai-lover? I thought you'd be taller."

"Tall... Taller...?" repeated Reimu. "I mean, how tall I am doesn't mean anything! I came here about the festival."

"Oh, that's wonderful! I almost thought you were going to slope off with your filthy youkai friends to have spell-card duels instead," tittered Hikari, speaking as if spell-cards were a big joke. "Glad to see you have some decency after all."

Reimu's jaw dropped.

"Just as well," continued Hikari, "because all the villagers are expecting you. Marishi-ten's festival has been a beloved tradition ever since I came up with the idea last Tuesday, and it simply wouldn't be the same without you, Reimu. The people will be so happy to see how their lazy excuse for a guardian reacts to a real one, such as my own dear goddess!"

Marisa's jaw dropped.

Hikari smiled a hideously superior smile and continued. "I have little doubt you're going to disappoint us all, of course. You might want to shave your armpits, learn how to hold a wand properly, maybe bring some friends a little classier than these two half-pints. Say, how about that shrine maiden from Youkai Mountain? She actually looks good in a dress..."

Alice's jaw dropped. Shanghai shook her fist and made some angry squeaky sounds.

"Hikari... Why do you want me at your festival, exactly? It sounds like you'd rather have anyone else." A dangerous edge had crept into Reimu's voice.

"Oh, Reimu, please don't be an idiot. This has nothing to do with what I or anybody wants!" snapped Hikari. "As the Hakurei Shrine Maiden, it is your duty to attend! In fact, all shrine-maidens must come, and I for one have never failed in my duties."

Reimu took a deep breath. She let it out again. Then she took another one.

"Go kiss a scorpion," suggested Reimu, turning on her heel. "And take it to bed as well. Come on, you three, let's go and... Um... Do something else!"

"Good idea!"

"Screw you, Hikari!"

Reimu stormed off along the road. Alice and Shanghai followed her. Marisa shook her bottom at Hikari and flounced away, giggling like mad.

"I wouldn't walk away if I were you!" Hikari called after them. "Then again, if I were any one of you idiots, I would kill myself as a favour to the world. Still, you'll have only yourselves to blame if none of the villagers ever trust you again!"

Reimu stopped in her tracks.

"Reimu? Come on, Hikari's just blowing her top! Don't listen to her!" cried Marisa.

"Blowing my top?! Really, some people just won't be told..." sighed Hikari. "As I was saying, the villagers are already expecting a scrawny, hairy little excuse for a shrine-maiden at the festival, so I daren't begin to think what they'll do if you're not there. Keine is looking forward to seeing you, the village chief, all the samurai and the merchants... Even your number-one groupie, poor, stupid little Kosuzu!"

Reimu screamed and put her head in her hands. "Hikari, why is this happening?!"

"Because I hate you!" smiled Hikari.

Alice tilted her head in confusion. "Why, though? The two of you have never met before."

Hikari's smile did not waver. "My secret. Now, Reimu, are you going to do your duty for once in your miserable life? Or are you going to be a pariah forever?"

"How about neither?" Marisa rolled up her sleeves and took a step forwards. "I'm going to make you eat your shoes, then I'll tie your legs in a knot-"

"Marisa, that's... That wouldn't do anything good in the long run." Reimu breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh. She knew she was beaten. "Can you two tell Kasen she's... She's in charge of the festival. I need to go and read up on Shintoism."

With tears rolling down her cheeks, Reimu trudged off in the general direction of her shrine.

Marisa bit her lip. Nothing good ever happened when Reimu was in despair, but Hikari did seem to have her over a barrel. If her reputation really did hinge on being seen at festivals around the village, then spell-card duels were going to have to wait. What were they, after all, other than the perfect method for keeping youkai healthy without putting any humans in danger?

It hit Marisa like a brick from a third-floor window. Reimu wasn't just a celebrity who had to show up at festivals, she was a guardian! "Hey, Reimu! REIMU! Wait up!" screamed Marisa, sprinting after her. "I have a plan!"

That evening, Marisa downed an entire bottle of sake to give herself some Dutch courage. She sent out some invitations, double-checked her spell-cards and took a trip to Gensokyo's most dangerous region.

"Oh, Marisa, it's you!" A green-haired girl in shorts ran over to her, holding a basket of small cakes. "Me and Yuuka made seedcakes. Try one, try one!"

"Oh, Wriggle, it's you! Uh, I'm in a bit of a hurry..."

"Try one!" insisted Wriggle, hopping up and down with glee. "Try one, try one, try one, try one, try one, try one, try one, try one!"

"All right, all right!" laughed Marisa, taking a round cake with a crisp, golden-brown glaze. She bit into it, breaking through the brittle crust to the soft, moist, seed-laden yumminess within. "Ohh, wow! That's so good!"

Wriggle blushed. "It's my own recipe, too. There's castor bean seeds in it!"

Marisa paused for a few seconds, then scoffed down the rest of the cake. Developing an immunity wouldn't hurt.

"My, my... Marisa's stomach is truly impressive, isn't it?"

Marisa started. Wriggle didn't, because she was used to it. Yuuka was striding towards them through rows upon rows of sunflowers.

"Oh, hey, Yuuka!" said Marisa, swallowing the rest of her poisonous snack. "I cake here to- I mean, uh, I came here to talk to you!"

Yuuka folded her arms. "Then talk away."

"Are you planning on invading the Human Village this Saturday?" Marisa talked away.

Yuuka blinked. "Why, no, of course not!"

"Well, uh..." Marisa gave her a very hopeful look. "Could you?"

"Are you wearing those? Seriously?"

"Yes. Is that going to be a problem?"

"I should think so! Really, you look an absolute disgrace. So last millenium..."

Hikari sneered down at Reimu as she squeezed into the shrine, decked out in a plain white kimono and red hakama. By contrast, Hikari had accessorised her usual outfit with a topaz-studded tiara, some orange lipstick and a pair of geta knee-boots.

"Just be glad I didn't dye my hair purple," growled Reimu, grabbing Marishi-ten's goshintai from the back of the shrine.

Hikari scoffed. "That would almost be an improvement. Hey, don't swing it around like that, dummy!"

Reimu carefully laid the club on top of a fun-sized palanquin and stuck her tongue out at Hikari.

"If you were my size..." Hikari sighed heavily. "Well, time get this show on the road. Shift."

It was Saturday afternoon, and a huge crowd of Marishi-ten fans had gathered in front of Hikari's boxy little shrine. The musicians and ceremonial guards were shivering in front of the shrine in their badly-maintained uniforms. Nitori had set up a crepe stand in front of some bonsai trees, where she was already doing a roaring trade.

Sanae was waving up at Reimu while Kasen and Marisa made rude gestures at Hikari. Reimu could just about see Sakuya, too, tucked behind a yak, and Kosuzu, chatting animatedly with Keine. She hadn't been too confident about Marisa's plan, but that many brave volunteers was enough to put on one heck of a show.

Reimu and Hikari hefted the palanquin they'd spent an argument-filled afternoon crafting out of a laquered tea tray, upon which sat the battered old kanabou club Marishi-ten's divine spirit resided in. They stepped carefully down the shrine stairs and onto the wide gravel road.

An awed hush fell over the worshippers as they caught sight of the club. It almost rolled off the tea tray as Reimu stumbled in her tall geta. The musicians strummed their kotos and thumped their drums and the warriors raised their swords in salute. Reimu blushed vividly.

"Idiot," sneered Hikari.

"Ahem," said Reimu. "As you probably know, the eight-armed guardian of the village has watched over you... Us... For centuries!"

"You tell them, Reimu! You're the best shrine-maiden in the universe!" Kosuzu was drawing completely the wrong kind of attention. "I know you'll beat Yuuka when she-"

"Hey, why don't you eat this?!" Marisa stuffed a honey and nutmeg crepe into Kosuzu's mouth to shut her up. Kosuzu made some appreciative noises as she tucked in.

"Listen, Reimu..." Hikari was giving Reimu a sideways look. "I know you're excited about having a festival without youkai scaring everyone away, but maybe you should leave the talking to me. All right?"

"...All right." I'll kill her. I'll kill her! "I'm sorry. It's just..." I hate you, Hikari, you smug git! Mark my words, you're going down! "I really wanted to make something good out of this, you know? And Kosuzu's just trying to help..." sighed Reimu.

Hikari smiled an infuriating smile. "I know. Don't worry, though, I've got this!"

Turning to face the crowd, Hikari raised her voice. "Loyal worshipers of Marishi-ten, rejoice! Our mighty guardian has kept the village safe for another bountiful year!"

"She sure has!" Marisa winked at Reimu.

"Among others!" called Sanae.

Kosuzu whistled loudly. "Three cheers for Reim-"

"Crepe time!" declared Kasen, snatching one off the grill and stuffing it into Kosuzu's mouth. Nitori moved to ask for some payment, but a look from Kasen was enough to shut her up.

"Um, I am glad you agree!" said Hikari, with a nervous laugh. "And I, ah, see we have another shrine maiden in the audience! Sanae, isn't it?"

Sanae waved.

"It's wonderful to have you! Maybe now you'll see what a real goddess looks like, as opposed to your scrawny little frog and that onbashira fanatic. Anyway, three cheers for the legendary Marishi-ten! Hip hip...!"

"HOORAY!" declared the crowd, apart from Sanae, who had begun rage-eating a handful of crepes.

"Right, then!" Hikari neglected to call the next two cheers. "If any among you have offerings, my assistant will be happy to collect them! Marishi-ten likes sausages, tempura, strong beer and yams, and money for the shrine is always welcome!" She waited for a few seconds and gave Reimu a kick up the bum. "Well?! Get going, assistant!"

"R-right..." Reimu passed the palanquin over to Hikari and ran back into the shrine for a basket. When was Yuuka going to get there? Reimu could feel the stress driving her loopy.

Reimu located the stout basket behind a stack of history books. She steeled her nerves, carried it out of the shrine and tumbled down the stairs. Hikari burst out laughing, as did a few members of the crowd.

"Good thinking, Reimu! Everyone loves an underdog heroine!" yelled Kosuzu.

"Kosuzu, please!" Keine retrieved a third crepe from Nitori's stand and bunged Kosuzu's mouth up.

"Mmfmrree," apologised Kosuzu.

Reimu could feel a mixture of sympathy and amusement in the gazes of the crowd. She forced herself to stay calm as she held up the basket and accepted a shower of food and money. A woman with four arms threw in some roses and a box of chocolates as well.

Reimu trudged back over to Hikari. "Here you go. One basket of donations which I'm sure you deserve."

Hikari gasped. "Excuse you, these are all for Marishi-ten, not me! Have you lost the use of your last remaining brain cell?! With that kind of attitude, it's no wonder you're the most useless shrine maiden who ever lived! I bet all those youkai crawling over your shrine don't even know what extermination feels like, to say nothing of how scrawny and plain-looking you are-"

The air abruptly filled with fire. A wave of light and heat blasted Reimu off her feet. Hikari sprawled on the gravel beside her, yelping as a sharp stone dug into her forearm.

A ripple of fear washed over the crowd. Reimu looked up to the sky and tried to gasp convincingly as relief flooded over her. With smoking pink umbrella in hand, Yuuka was drifting serenely to the ground. Remilia, Sekibanki, Nemuno and Wakasagihime were at her sides. The youkai touched down on the wide circle of gravel blackened by the master spark and exuded malice.

A few tense seconds went by in silence. Then Kosuzu cheered. "Yuuka's here! Look, everybody, she's here at last! The epic battle can finally-"

"Oh, just have the lot!" Nitori grabbed the twenty remaining crepes off her grill and threw them at Kosuzu, who caught as many as she could and stuffed herself. Nitori turned on her heel and stomped off towards Kappa Valley, muttering furiously under her breath.

Reimu nudged Hikari. "You're the world's best, prettiest, most dutiful shrine maiden, aren't you? Do something!"

"Um... All right." Hikari rose shakily to her feet. "Hey, you! You, there, in the red tartan! Clear off out of our village!"

"Hmm?" Yuuka fixed Hikari with a steely gaze. "Why should I?"

"Because I'll have you burnt at the stake if you don't!" declared Hikari.

Yuuka kicked Hikari in the face. She tumbled across the gravel and fell at Reimu's feet, out cold. Reimu couldn't help herself. She burst out laughing.

Yuuka winked, then turned her attention over to the crowd. "Hear me, you feeble humans! Your beloved Marishi-ten is powerless to stop us! I, Yuuka, the strongest youkai in the world, have come for your souls!"

"And your blood!" Remilia licked her lips.

"And crepes!" Wakasagihime elbowed her way through the crowd. People backed nervously away, leaving a wide circle around her as she picked up a discarded crepe and chowed down. Kosuzu gave her a look.

"...Um, yes." Yuuka cleared her throat. "Tremble before me, you witless whelps! Tremble! No-one can stop me!"

Reimu's heart was pounding in her chest. Her big moment had arrived, and she had to give the best performance of her life. She unlimbered her wand and stepped forwards. "Hold it right there, Yuuka! I won't let you touch a single soul."

"Oh?" Yuuka's lips curled into a wry smile. "And who is she that dares to stand before the Flower Master of Four Seasons?"

Reimu leapt into the air and began to spin, shining with pure golden light. "The beautiful guardian who fights for peace and justice! I am Reimu Hakurei, Shrine Maiden of Paradise! Your attack on our peaceful village is unforgiveable, and by the light of Amaterasu, I will punish you!"

Reimu's trousers and kimono morphed into a bright red dress. Her sandals turned into sturdy black combat-boots. Her sleeves detatched themselves, letting Amaterasu's golden rays fall upon the silky hair that poured from her armpits like two shining rivers of dark chocolate. By the time she'd finished spinning, Reimu was a radiant warrior beyond compare.

An awed smile spread over Marisa's face. "Gods, Reimu, that was the coolest thing ever! All right, let's do this! Come on, sisters!"

"You show them, Incident-Resolvers! The spirit of Gensokyo shines within your hearts!" whooped Kosuzu, punching the air. "I so wish I could join you, but Mummy says I have to take a flight safety course first..."

"Please don't break my village," groaned Keine.

Kasen, Sakuya, Sanae and Marisa took to the sky with spell-cards in hand. Wakasagihime scoffed down one last crepe and flew back over to her comrades. The warriors faced down the monsters, grim-faced and ready to have the time of their lives while pulling the wool over every eye in the village.

"Oh, so you brought some friends! Good! Killing one person is never that much fun." Yuuka smiled evilly. "I hope you are all prepared for another meeting with Eiki. Petal Sign: Agony Blossom!"

Yuuka's umbrella blurred as she spun it above her head. Hundreds of spiky pink bullets exploded outwards, packed so tightly together that even Shinmyoumaru would struggle to fit between them.

The Incident-Resolvers wove through the blossoms with fierce determination, twisting their bodies to squeeze through nigh-impossible gaps. Reimu's whole body tingled as the bullets brushed against her.

Sakuya's eyes flashed red as she invoked a spell-card of her own. "Secret Maid Skill: Killing Doll!"

Shining daggers flew in all directions. One of struck Wakasagihime's tail, making her plummet into the crepe stand with a yelp.

Glaring at Sakuya, Nemuno pulled a handful of glowing green kitchen knives out of thin air. Her arms were a blur as she threw them at the maid in one lightning-fast stream.

Remilia gave Nemuno a baleful look. "You're supposed to shout the name of your spell-card first, imbecile. Like this. Heaven's Punishment: Star of David!"

A bright web of red plasma exploded from the tip of Remilia's spear. Flocks of heavy blue bullets spiralled out between the lasers and barreled towards the heroines.

"Um, any ideas, people?" Reimu could only hover nervously in place as the tide of bullets advanced on them. Phase one of the plan had gone little further than 'have a mock battle'.

"I have one." Sanae winked and twirled her wand. "Dream Sign: Justice Frog!"

"Frog?!" cried Reimu, Sakuya, Kasen and Marisa.

Sanae raised her arms to the heavens. A ghostly image of Suwako materialised behind her, looking uncharacteristically benevolent. Shimmering green trails of magic flowed from the goddess's hands into Sanae as the shrine-maiden sculpted a giant glowing frog. Sanae threw the frog with a fearsome battle-cry, sending it smashing through the maelstrom to bowl Remilia off her feet.

Gasps of amazement rose from the crowd as a shower of shimmering sparks drifted down towards them. They cheered as the frog wrapped its ethereal tongue around Remilia and threw her to the ground.

"Piece of cake!" Sanae dusted her hands. "Now quick, move a few metres up into the air!"

The Incident-Resolvers ascended short distance. Nemuno looked on in horror as her highly-focused barrage passed harmlessly beneath them.

Yuuka rolled her eyes. "Truly I am surrounded by witless prannies. Sekibanki, surround these impudent brats!"

"You got it!" chorused Sekibanki and her eight auxilliary heads. The heads flew out into a wide circle.

"Perfect. Get them!"

"Flying Head Sign: Eighth Head!" Sekibanki's eighteen eyes flashed bright red. Burning lasers closed in on the Incident-Resolvers. Sekibanki called up as many blue bullets as her main body could muster and threw them hither and yon.

"Stay calm!" Kasen swung past a laser and batted a bullet away from Sakuya. "If we take out her heads, we can-"

"Starlight Sign: Golden Bloom!" Yuuka hurled a brown disc into the midst of the chaos. It hovered there for a moment and exploded into dozens of bright yellow sunflower petals.

A petal struck Kasen right on the tip of the nose. She screamed and leapt on top of Marisa, knocking her right into the path of the next brown disc. She flopped melodramatically into Reimu's arms, still trailing an anguished Kasen.

"The pain..." groaned Marisa, clutching at her heart. "I don't think I can go on!"

"Oh, no! Stay strong, Marisa, please!" cried Sanae.

"And Kasen!" added Sakuya.

"Damn you, Yuuka! No-one hurts Marisa and gets away with it!" Reimu clenched her fist and grimmaced very dramatically. "I'll show you the true power of a shrine-maiden! Dream Sign: Omnidirectional Dragon-Slaying Circle!"

Thousands of amulets exploded outwards, tearing through Sekibanki's spare heads and sending Nemuno flying into Yuuka. Yuuka made a grab for the mountain hag but caught only a scrap of yellow cloth as she plummeted to the ground.

Sekibanki bit her lip. "This isn't good... Without Nemuno, how can we ever succeed?! We'll have to look within ourselves and find the strength to-"

Yuuka thwacked her on the head with her umbrella. "We're the villains, dummy! We're supposed to lose!"

"Oi, don't give the plan away!" Kosuzu threw a cold ham and egg crepe at Yuuka. It sailed a few metres into the air and fluttered down on top of Keine.

"Eheh... Sorry." Kosuzu laughed nervously.

Keine sighed heavily and ate the crepe.

Unaware of the chaos down below, the Incident-Resolvers bombarded Yuuka and Sekibanki with danmaku. The sadist and headcase dodged and weaved as hard as they could, but eventually they went down under a hail of bullets.

An awed hush fell over the crowd as Yuuka smashed into the ground and Sekibanki drifted slowly downwards like a leaf. The victorious heroines touched down in a circle around Yuuka's impact crater.

"Is she... Is Yuuka dead?" one of the villagers piped up.

Kasen nudged Yuuka with her toe. "I wouldn't exactly say 'dead'. Even so, I doubt we're going to hear from her any time soon!"

Right on cue, the ground began to shake. Yuuka's eyes opened, blazing red with malice. The confused, frightened villagers backed away until they were satisfied that they could watch without getting hurt.

"Tell me, humans..." Yuuka's voice echoed up and down the wide street. "Did you really think it was going to be that easy? Did you really think you could beat me?!"

The Incident-Resolvers gasped loudly as waves of pure malice poured off Yuuka, roiling unseen through the air with a cold, clammy, burning, prickling, sickly malaise. The villagers trembled and fell to their knees as it radiated out through their ranks.

Yuuka's eyes were aflame with power as she rose from her crater. The heroines fell back as one, gasping and writhing and feebly flailing their arms as they pretended to wilt under her dark aura.

"Aaagh! No... It can't be!" Marisa grimmaced as she fought to stay on her feet. "Yuuka, please, don't do this!"

"Oh-hohohoho!" Yuuka laughed cruelly, stalking elegantly towards her. "Without your spell-cards, you humans are nothing! Nothing but soft, weak little morsels for us youkai to savour."

Reimu fell to her knees with a strangled gasp. "Yuuka... Please don't do this! Th-think of the children!"

"Oooh, yes! Those sweet, tender little darlings!" Yuuka licked her lips. "I think I'll have them for pudding once I'm finished with the five of you."

"No! You can't!" Marisa forced herself to stand. "I won't let you touch a... Ohh..." Her legs gave way beneath her, sending her sprawling in the dust.

Yuuka bent down and wrapped her slender fingers around Marisa's neck. She lifted the struggling witch into the air, almost choking her. "Since you so bravely volunteered, you can be the first course. Down the hatch!"

"Hey, what about us?! We're hungry too!" demanded Wakasagihime, poking her head up from the shattered crepe stand.

Yuuka blanched. "S-silence! You're supposed to be unconscious!"

"Oh. Right." Wakasagihime flopped back down again, her tongue lolling and cheeks reddening.

"Um, see how cruel and powerful Yuuka is! She has the power to kill with but a word, and she's willing to use that power on her friend just because she wanted a share of the food!" improvised Kosuzu, clapping her hands over her cheeks. "What hope do our brave heroines have against such a terrible monster?! I'm on the edge of my seat... Um, n-no, thanks, Keine, I'll explode if I eat anoth- Mmmffff!"

"Right," said Yuuka firmly, "time for my meal!" She turned her gaze out onto the terrified villagers, most of whom were staring at Kosuzu and Keine. They'd never seen a history teacher force-feeding crepes to a bookseller before. "Pay attention, humans! The fall of your people is upon you! You will stand forever in the gaze of your weak, lazy, uncaring gods-"

"You take that back!" shouted Sanae, who couldn't take any more. She sprang to her feet and marched up to Yuuka, waving a finger in her face with such force that even the Flower Master of Four Seasons was taken aback. "The gods are looking out for all of us, Yuuka, even you! Show some gratitude!"

"Y-yes! Exactly!" Reimu sprang to her own feet, clamped a hand over Sanae's mouth and took a deep breath. "The gods who watch over Gensokyo have given us the strength to stand against anyone who wants to harm the innocent and break our hard-won peace! I swore an oath to keep our world safe! No matter how arduous the fight, nor how many enemies I have to defeat, I will never give up!"

Yuuka's eyes narrowed. "What is this foolishness?! You have no hope against the mighty Yuuka Kazami and her army of evil! Two shrine maidens are nothing to me!"

"Yeah! What she said!" Wakasagihime burst out of the stall to hover fiercely beside Yuuka.

Kosuzu gasped loudly. "The, uh, mermaid can, um, resist Yuuka's instant death inducement magic power thing! Oh, no! Reimu, Sanae, please stay strong!"

"We will, Kosuzu." Reimu hefted her gohei.

"You won't be alone! I may not be a shrine maiden, but I don't go down that easily!" Marisa struggled to her feet, making a great show of shaking off Yuuka's aura. "There are thousands of innocent people in the village. If even one of them got eaten when I could've stopped it, I couldn't live with myself!"

Yellow light flared up around Marisa as she strode towards her friends. "Hear me, Yuuka! Marisa Kirisame, Ordinary Witch of the East, stands against you! I will fight until my very last breath! Now rise, my sisters, and take up arms!"

Sakuya leapt to her feet and trotted over to the front line. Kasen stood as shakily as a newborn deer and struggled valiantly, flailing like a restless windchime in a hurricane, until she realised the villagers just thought she was moonstruck and went bright red.

Yuuka sneered down at the heroines. "Even if you can somehow resist my power to varying degrees, it changes nothing. You will die, and your village will be reduced to a fine atomic mist! Remilia, Nemuno, Sekibanki, on your feet! Let's do this thing!"

Reimu thrust her wand into the sky. "With love in our hearts and thunder in our blood! Arise! Super Incident-Resolvers of Justice! We strive for peace!"

"For love!" Marisa dabbed in a shower of stars.

"For honour!" Sanae posed on one leg with her wand poking into Reimu's ear.

"For truth!" Kasen flexed her not altogether unimpressive biceps.

"For laughter!" Sakuya did a little twirl and curtsied daintily.

"Fly warmly towards a bright future!" The Super Incident-Resolvers of Justice let their voices ring out as one. "Strike true and unleash your shimmering barrage of hope! Now, until the last hour of eternity! Fight!"

The humans and the youkai ran at each other, filled with determination and the will to create a better/more delicious world. Yuuka screamed with rage and threw a punch at Reimu's face. Reimu somersaulted over her head, whipped around and lashed out with a lightning-fast kick. Yuuka cried out as Reimu's shoe smacked into the small of her back, only to draw back her umbrella with a sinister grin.

Reimu tried to duck, but the umbrella struck her like a coiled spring. Dark spots swam through her vision as she stumbled backwards.

"I'll soon wipe that smile off your face," said Yuuka, in the full knowledge that Reimu wasn't smiling. Pink lightning arced between her fingers. "Petal Sign: Flower Shooting!"

A dozen football-sized flowers shot towards Reimu. She wove expertly between them. A flower struck Sekibanki, distracting her from wrestling Marisa to the ground. She stuck her tongue out at Yuuka. Marisa broomed her upside the head.

"Flowers or not, I won't lose!" Reimu's eyes seemed to catch fire as she lifted her yin-yang orb. "Spirit Sign: Fantasy Orb!"

Reimu hurled the sacred ball. It shone like a rainbow as it hurtled towards Yuuka, too fast to be avoided. Yuuka crossed her strong forearms in front of her face and caught the orb head-on, crying out in pain as it shoved her across the square.

"Damn you!" screamed Yuuka. An angry pink burn was smouldering on her left arm. Fighting through the pain, Yuuka flipped and somersaulted towards Reimu and took a swing at her.

Reimu blocked the swing with the echoing crack of wood against brolly. Yuuka hacked with incredible force, making Reimu give ground with every desperate parry. As Yuuka pressed her back against the shoe shop, a plan formed in her mind.

Reimu leapt into the air and rocketed upwards, then set her feet firmly in front of her and shot towards Yuuka. Yuuka barely had a moment to react before Reimu kicked her squarely in the face, knocking her onto her back. Reimu glided out of the way as Yuuka made a vengeful grab at her ankles.

Yuuka sprang up in pursuit, cracking the ground with the force of her leap. She swung her body around to kick Reimu in the face. Reimu spun out of the way, lunged at Yuuka's retreating ankle and bit down with all her might, eliciting a yelp of pain. She drove her elbow into Yuuka's shin and jerked backwards in time to avoid a vengeful blast of green plasma.

Reimu and Yuuka flew at each other again and again, trading kicks and punches and the occasional spell-card without cease. Reimu's wand sang through the air, tearing Yuuka's clothes with glancing blows but never striking hard enough. Yuuka fought with wild fury, slashing at Reimu with nails painted blood-red and driving ever closer with her umbrella.

All around them, youkai and Incident-Resolvers alike were panting and leaning on each other. Reimu caught Yuuka's eye and gave a small, curt nod. It was time for the finish.

"You've given me quite the entertaining evening, Reimu, but I think it's time we put this to an end. Prepare yourself, Shrine Maiden of Paradise! The last hour of eternity is upon you!" Blinding light flashed from the tip of Yuuka's umbrella as she hurtled towards Reimu, screaming the name of her final attack. "Hatred Sign: MASTER SPARK!"

Reimu knew she couldn't afford to lose. The future of Gensokyo rested on the outcome of this one clash. She poured as much energy as she could muster into her orbs and launched them at Yuuka. "Spirit Sign: FANTASY SEAL!"

"Reimu's ultimate attack...!" breathed Marisa, looking up in awe as Sekibanki took a well-timed respite from headbutting her on all sides at once. "But will it be enough?!"

"It has to be! We're all counting on her!" Tears fell from Sanae's wide, earnest eyes, leaving Nemuno all soggy beneath her feet. "We're all counting on her. All the children and the poor little kittens... REIMU, DON'T GIVE UP! YOU CAN DO IT!"

Remilia sneered as best she could while Kasen had her in a headlock. "Your shrine maiden doesn't stand a chance against Yuuka! Why else would I have delegated leadership of the attack to... Um..." Remilia wilted under a storm of withering looks. "I mean... Not everything has to be about me?"

Reimu, Yuuka, the master spark and the yin-yang orbs smashed together. Fire bloomed in the sky, a mighty explosion that shook the earth and glowed like a newborn star. Choking grey smoke washed over the town. The villagers, the Incident-Resolvers and the youkai watched with bated breath and watering eyes to see who would come out on top.

"Ascension Kick!"

A deafening smack rang out. Blinding red light flashed through the smoke and fire. A second later, Yuuka fell helplessly from the sky with a familiar footprint burned into the seat of her bloomers. Glowing with triumph, Reimu sailed down to earth behind her. Her buckle-shoes struck the cobblestones with a quiet tmp of victory, then she almost stumbled into Yuuka's crater.

For a few long seconds, every breath in the Human Village was held. Then the villagers became a tidal wave of celebration, rushing the startled Reimu off her feet, lifting her over their heads and throwing her around like a basketball.

"Waaah! C-come on, I just did what anyone else would have..." Reimu could feel herself misting up again, although that was partly because of the G-forces. She had almost forgotten what gratitude felt like.

"She did it, she did it!" squeaked Kosuzu, ignoring the pain in her bulging tummy. She noticed the looks of jealously Marisa and Sanae were giving Reimu, then ignored the looks of profound relief on Sakuya and Kasen. "And so did the other four. Come on, people, show our heroines some love!"

"She's right! It's crowdsurfing time!" Sanae leapt on top of a fisherwoman, squashing her flat.

"No, that... That won't be necessary, thank you. A good deed is its own reward, you know?" Sakuya backed away from the village's Maid Appreciation Club. "I have a lifetime's worth of knives, gentlemen! Don't try it!"

In a shady alley next to the shrine, Marishi-ten rested four of her hands on her hips, folded her four other muscular arms and smiled. She knew she should be angry about having her festival gatecrashed, but she'd enjoyed the fight. She had even found herself cheering when the witch broke out of the rokurokubi's neck-hold, kicked her many heads into the bushes and threw her clean over a house.

"I wonder how many people noticed that..." Marishi-ten had a feeling most eyes would have been on Reimu and the woman in red tartan.

"Um, noticed what? Ma'am?" Hikari timidly tugged the goddess's second-from-the-top right sleeve.

"Hm?" Marishi-ten smiled. "Oh, just a true heroine doing what a true heroine does, unlike certain people... Someone needs to congratulate her, I think." Marishi-ten picked up her feet. "You'd better tidy up the shrine for now. Maybe I'll take you along some time."

Hikari nodded meekly and went to find a broom.

"I think we'd better slip away now," muttered Nemuno, once she'd judged that most of the villagers were looking elsewhere.

"Mm-hmm." Remilia nodded, making a mental note to come back in a few days and set the Maid Apprecation Clubhouse on fire. "We'll win next time, right?"

Sekibanki's eyes widened. "Next time?! Yuuka, are you planning another-"

"Nope! She aren't! We isn't! It's nothing!" Wakasagihime clamped her hands over Sekibanki's mouth. "Nothing at all. Let's just, um, go...?"

"Like I said..." Nemuno hoisted Yuuka onto her back and tiptoed towards the east gate.

Yuuka winked blearily at Sekibanki as they went. "Never say never, Sekibanki. I think we all need a bit more crazy, over-the-top martial arts in our lives."

A shopkeeper looked on in horror as the youkai snuck away. "Th-they're escaping! THE YOUKAI ARE NAFFING OFF!" He ran towards Marisa, who was signing autographs for a flock of awestruck children. "They're getting away, blonde woman in the hat! Quick! Do something!"

"Whuh?!" Marisa looked around until she caught sight of the youkai. "I, uh... Okay!" She stood up and patted a disappointed child on the head. "We'd better, um, do something. Come on, people!"

"Eh? O-oh, right!" Sanae patted the grown woman whose spell-card she was signing on the head, which annoyed her a little. "We stand for justice!"

"For truth!" agreed Kasen, flexing again.

"We're not doing that again! Shift!" snapped Marisa, grabbing Sakuya by the plait and dragging her away.

The Super Incident-Resolvers of Justice sprinted after the evil youkai. They knew there was only one punishment suitable for a full-scale attack on the village: Death by cake and sake. Singing and joking, trying out new poses and ridiculous transformation sequences, Reimu and her friends laughed all the way to the shrine and had themselves a party to remember. Sadly, they were too drunk to remember when Yuuka grew some extra limbs to arm-wrestle Marishi-ten.