The Legend of Hoshiro

Sent from the heavens, wielding rainbows and lightning in the name of peace and justice, Hoshiro Nijinazuma is Gensokyo's greatest warrior. Her decision-making skills, however, leave a lot to be desired.

Joined by like-minded friends, laughed at or reluctantly put up with by heroines from throughout the series, Hoshiro will fight her way through Touhou history and get every Incident completely wrong. What hilarious mishaps await her? Will she find love? The answers ("lots of them" and "maybe") lie within...

~Chapter 3: Suika, Suika, Misty Mystery Suika~

"Wow, this butadon is so good!" Marisa gushed, eagerly snarfing down some white rice and the remainder of a large boiled egg. "I didn't know you could cook, Rumia."

"It isn't butadon, it's bibimbap!" Clad in a frilly yellow apron and a red bandana, Rumia was fetching a couple more bowls out of her handbag. "I spent my gap year in Laos, where I ate the head chef at a Korean take-away. Clearly I absorbed his skills while I was digesting him."

Reimu gave Marisa a worried look. Marisa shrugged her shoulders and resumed eating.

"Did Alice say she was coming?" Reimu changed the subject.

"Yep, though there's something she has to take care of first. She said she still wants to make her 'doll festival' happen someday..."

"I still don't understand that. How would it be any different from a dolls' tea party?"

"We'd be having booze instead of tea," Marisa said, polishing off the last of her rice. "You've gotta have Rumia cook more often, Reimu! That was just stunning!"

Rumia giggled. "No need to be shy. I'd be happy to have you both for dinner whenever suits you!"

"Maybe you can help with the cooking for tomorrow's feast," suggested Reimu. "Sakuya's going to be tired after doing today's and yesterday's feasts, and last week's fishing festival... And Meiling's birthday... And Tanabata..." Reimu's brow furrowed. "How many feasts have we had this month?"

On the rolling meadows below the bamboo forest was a little wooden house, and sitting among the flowers outside that house was a dragon reading the newspaper.

"A feast at the Hakurei Shrine, another feast that's also at the Hakurei Shrine..." Hoshiro turned the page and gasped. "A puddle jumping festival at the Garden of the Sun? No invitation needed? Bring your own puddle?!" That didn't sound like the Yuuka she remembered.

She was definitely going.

"How do I bring my own puddle?" Hoshiro thought aloud. Her mind wandered to buckets, jugs, jars and barrels, a universe of water-carrying devices. Could she fill a wheelbarrow with soil, pour water on top and call that a puddle? Or perhaps she'd just summon a shower of rain. Logistically speaking, magic was better than wheelbarrows.

"Once again, the Day of the Doll has to be postponed. It should really be down to humans to deal with this insanity, but it can't be helped," a voice said out of nowhere, making Hoshiro jump. "Say, you're that loud dragon with the boots and the tank top! I don't suppose you know anything?"

"Who's there?!" Hoshiro looked around in a panic until she saw Alice landing next to the wooden swing. "Oh, it's you with the dolls! Except you don't have any now!"

"That's true. Shanghai's having terrible period cramps, so I left her in bed with Hourai to look after her," said Alice. "We haven't met properly, have we? I'm Alice Margatroid, a doll-maker and-"

"The Magician of Makai! Oh, my days, I didn't know you'd moved!" gasped Hoshiro. "I'm Hoshiro Nijinazuma, a magical fighting heroine and Incident-Resolver. My mum's a goddess as well. We should be friends!"

Alice pursed her lips. "We could, if we must. Right now I'm investigating the overburdened social calendar at the Hakurei Shrine... Speaking of which, weren't you a bit jumpy today? Aren't you known most widely as the dragon who attacks innocent people during Incidents?"

"Um, not on purpose! I baked Letty an apology cake!"

"Oh, you can bake! How lovely," said Alice, her expression brightening. "I'm trying to bake an investigation cake of my own, but all I have is the yeast of suspicion and an egg of mysteries. If I sprinkle a little yeast on you, do you think you would rise?"

Hoshiro met Alice with a blank stare.

Alice sighed. "Should we just fight? Would that suit you?"

"Fight? I'd love to!" Hoshiro's eyes blazed with pink light. She raised her head to the sky and roared, sending up a column of white-hot energy. Lightning crackled around her clenched fists in all the colours of the rainbow. "Forever champion, Hoshiro Nijinazuma! I fight for fun, practice and exercise when requested! Now, doll-wielding daughter of Makai, show me your full power!"

"N-no, no, just a friendly sparring match! You're only the stage one boss!" yelped Alice, flailing a little.

"Oh." Hoshiro switched off her eye glow and discharged her knuckles. After a moment's contemplation she smiled. "You can have the first strike. Now, doll-wielding daughter of Makai, show me a small amount of your power!"

Alice ran over and punched Hoshiro in the nose. Hoshiro somersaulted backwards with a gasp and fell to her knees.

"Alas! I am slain!" wailed Hoshiro, clutching at her heart. "Curse you, Alice... Curse you! I wanted to do so much! Now there won't be another dawn, only forever twilight for me. Goodbye, cruel world..."

Hoshiro slumped down among the flowers and lay there, making a heroic effort not to laugh.

"Oh, my." Alice stifled a fit of giggles. "You are just full of surprises, aren't you? Strong enough to lose with grace! I think you'll fit in here pretty well!"

"Really?!" A beaming Hoshiro sat back up. "I'd love to fit in! Thank you, Alice!" she shouted, running over with her arms outstretched.

Alice shot up over the house, leaving Hoshiro to hug thin air. "Sorry, must dash! Incidents don't resolve themselves, after all. Goodbye!"

Pouting a little, Hoshiro watched Alice disappear into the sky. She was used to getting that reaction from humans, but her hugs couldn't do anything to a youkai except squash them a little. Oh, fine, a lot.

She had more important business than the moral issues surrounding physical affection, though. Reimu hosting too many festivals, Yuuka showing her playful side and Alice picking fights? There was an Incident afoot, and Hoshiro intended to fix it.

Hoshiro began her quest in the village. An impromptu game of cricket was in full swing, but Hoshiro ignored it, stepping over squealing fairy batswomen and weaving past exhausted human warriors along the high street. She ducked into the quieter South Chicken Tempura Street, where a woman in a blue robe was lamenting the lack of free chicken tempura.

"Is it really too much to ask for? A little chicken tempura?" Yuyuko said huffily, sulking on the wall outside a messy rock garden. "I'll fade away to nothing without a snack."

Hoshiro somersaulted over a discarded cricket bat and stepped closer. "Are you all right?"

"I have no energy..." groaned Yuyuko. She teetered slowly backwards and fell limply behind the wall. "I haven't had anything to eat since luncheon an hour ago! I'll surely die."

"No! Oh, you poor thing!" gasped Hoshiro, rushing to Yuyuko's side. "I can feed you! What would you like?"

Yuyuko sat up, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "I want tempura, rice balls, tonkatsu curry, takoyaki, crepes, strawberry cream cake, red wine and chocolate milk! Where are we going?"

With a light purse and a stomach not much fuller, Hoshiro flew through warm, cloudy skies to Misty Lake. Yuyuko had apparently been banned from Reimu's feasts, a decision Hoshiro understood even if it seemed harsh, and hadn't given her any information. Nor had Youmu when she came to drive Yuyuko home.

Hoshiro was well and truly vexed. She needed help to unpick an Incident so thoroughly, um, picked, and she knew where to find it.

Hoshiro swooped down towards the cute little igloo above the lake's northern shore. She landed hard, her boots cracking the garden path, and approached the front door.

"Cirno! Hello!" Kneeling down, Hoshiro knocked on the cold, damp door. "Come on, there might be an Incident!"

"Who are you looking for?" said Cirno, wandering up behind Hoshiro.

"Hm?" Hoshiro glanced over her shoulder. "Oh, hi! Have you seen Cirno? She isn't answering."

Cirno tilted her head in confusion. "That's very weird. I know for a FACT that Cirno lives here. Maybe I'll go inside and check..."

"How? It's locked!"

"I happen to know where Cirno keeps her spare key! See under here?" Cirno said with a wink. She sat down next to the messy vegetable patch and fossicked around under a carrot until she pulled out a soft white sock.

"That's a sock," Hoshiro observed.

"I know, and Youmu's gonna be so thrilled to have it back!" said Cirno, skipping away down the garden path.

"Youmu?" Hoshiro gasped. "Cirno, wait! I just saw her! She's got a wheelbarrow full of Yuyuko full of a week's food I can't afford any more! SHE'S THAT WAY!"

The lack of Cirno was a setback, but Hoshiro was determined to solve the Incident. She flew straight to the mansion where a new rival was waiting.

"Finally, a chance to pit my strength against another dragon!" Meiling laughed boisterously. Her arms were folded and she wore a fierce grin. "Bring it on, Hoshiro! I'm going to enjoy this!"

"Not if I enjoy it first!" Hoshiro punched Meiling on the shoulder and sat down. "Can I be Chun-Li?"

"Help yourself! I hate getting typecast as the one Chinese fighter," said Meiling, flumping down on the other cushion. "I'll try being Ryu. How does best of five sound?"

Hoshiro winced. "I can't stay for long. Is three bouts all right?"

"Well," Meiling smiled, "it'll only be three matches if you play well enough."

They ended up playing ten matches, of which Meiling won seven. Round 11 was cut short when Sakuya came by with the copy of Mega Man 7 she'd been itching to try. Hoshiro left her to her pastime and went to interrogate the lady of the house.

Remilia sat primly on her throne, trying to look down haughtily even though Hoshiro was two metres tall. "Isn't Hoshiro a boy's name?" she said in some confusion. "Why would you have a boy's name?"

"Eh?" Hoshiro was stunned. "Because it's my name! I liked the way it sounded."

"And you're sure you aren't a boy? I only let girls come round to play," sniffed Remilia.

"Yes I'm sure! I know what I am!" snapped Hoshiro. "Are you sure you're a vampire? Is your hair really blue? Those are personal questions! Mind your own business!"

A slow, tense moment went by. Remilia was staring at her, open-mouthed but silent. Hoshiro turned with an angry sigh and stormed out of the throne room.

"...And then I decided to come here." Hoshiro sighed and finished her bowl of tea. "What was Remilia's problem? I know I'm big and loud and rough and I don't know how to giggle but I'm still a woman!"

"Um..." That was a lot to unpack, so Reimu left most of it packed. "Remilia's at that age, so she probably just wasn't expecting a woman to be called Hoshiro. It does end in 'ro', after all."

"Maybe I should've called myself Hoshirin or Hoshiko..."

"No, it isn't your fault." Reimu calmly sipped her tea. "You might not be Remilia's kind of person, but you're fine. You know, some people raid the library and pick fights with the guards every week and still get to be the Scarlets' honoured guests."

"Oh. That's nice." Hoshiro didn't have much more to say, so she changed the subject. "Anyway, that's as far as I got. It was great exercise, but I just can't figure out these feasts! Do you know anything?"

"The feasts? I've been trying to investigate them too, but I didn't get anywhere. So really I'm in the same position you are," explained Reimu. "At least the festivals aren't dangerous."

"Unless Yuuka goes around splashing us all on purpose."

"What?"

"You didn't read-? Never mind. It's in the newspaper," said Hoshiro. "Good luck with tonight's feast. Oh, actually, can I come?"

Reimu's eyes widened. "You're asking?! Most people just show up after a big fight!"

"Well, I wanted to be polite." Hoshiro had come over all shy, toying with her hair and avoiding Reimu's gaze. "We aren't close friends. Um, not that we shouldn't be! I'd love to be your friend if that's all right!"

"Hang on, you're being polite? Asking for an invitation? Respecting my boundaries? In Gensokyo?!" Reimu darted backwards and drew her gohei. "That's massively suspicious! Defend yourself!"

Hoshiro's eyes widened. "De... Defend? Well, sure!" Hoshiro stepped back and adopted her fighting stance. "Come for me, Shrine Maiden of Paradise! I won't lose!"

Reimu flew at Hoshiro, whapping her all over in a frenzy. Hoshiro pushed through the stinging strikes and launched a flurry of punches, knocking Reimu across the courtyard.

"I don't understand, why isn't my wand affecting you? Aren't you a youkai?!" cried Reimu.

"I'm a dragon! We aren't vulnerable to Shinto magic," said Hoshiro proudly.

Reimu gasped. "A dragon...! But you're so stupid and overenthusiastic! You just pick fights with Yuuka, Letty, Keine, and now Remilia-"

"No, that's not true!" Hoshiro snapped, her cheeks puffing out with anger. "I was helping Keine beat her carpet! We just got overexcited."

"Oh." Reimu smiled fiercely. "Even if you are an underwhelming dragon, you're still a dragon. Time to show you what I'm capable of! Ascension Kick!"

Reimu lunged at Hoshiro and kicked her in the stomach, knocking the wind right out of her. Hoshiro somersaulted backwards and slammed into a tree.

"Ow! What a kick!" an awestruck Hoshiro cried, springing back forwards. "Have one of mine. Boot Horizon: Foulness Destroying Kick!"

Pink fire engulfed Hoshiro's right boot. She spun around and flew foot-first at Reimu. Reimu leapt high over the battlefield and swung her gohei, catching Hoshiro's hair tie as she ploughed underneath.

Hoshiro's hair fell in a river of brown around her torso. It was a pain, but no real problem. She shot upwards and lay into Reimu, punching and kicking with lightning speed.

Reimu fought back, batting Hoshiro's strikes aside and getting in a few of her own. Hoshiro's strength was stunted without her feet on the ground. Reimu pressed her lack of disadvantage by grabbing Hoshiro around the waist, swinging her in a wide circle and chucking her at the shrine.

Hoshiro cried out in shock, then rather more loudly in pain when her head ploughed through a wooden box. She lay there, silent and motionless. Reimu laughed triumphantly. Hoshiro was well and truly-

In her donation box. Embedded in her donation box. "Ohh, I'm an idiot!" screamed Reimu, slapping herself on the head. "Hoshiro! Tell me it's not going to be an expensive fix!"

There was no reply. Biting her lip, Reimu landed beside Hoshiro and inspected the damage. Only the wooden grate at the top had been smashed; the rest was intact. Reimu breathed a sigh of relief.

With the important question answered, Reimu could turn her attention to more trivial matters. "Are you all right?" she asked, poking Hoshiro on the shoulder. "Hoshiro? Hoshiro, wake up!"

"Mrrf..." groaned Hoshiro, slowly arching her back. She shifted her legs a little and slumped back down. "No... I can't lose... Not like this! Not with everyone counting on me!"

Hoshiro sprang up in an explosion of splintered wood, spun around and struck a dynamic pose. "Did you think I'd die quietly?! No matter the challenge, no matter how hard you knock me down, I'll get back up and fight! Ten thousand donation boxes can't stop me!"

"You're taking this a lot more seriously than I expected," said Reimu worriedly. "Can we just leave it there? I have to clean up..."

"No! We're seeing this through to the end!" Hoshiro's eyes flashed. Lightning crackled along her arms, glowing in all the colours of the rainbow. She thrust her hand towards Reimu. "Nijinazuma: Seven-Coloured Strike!"

The lightning flashed across the courtyard, bathing the shrine in its multicoloured glow and lighting Reimu up like one of Yukari's busiest spell-cards. Her hair jagged and smouldering, Reimu fell slowly backwards in a dead faint.

Hoshiro jumped up and punched the air. "I did it! Finally the secret of endless feasts will be revealed! Finally! Any moment now!"

"Sorry, I'm afraid you're out of luck," a voice declared. Hoshiro gasped and swung around to see Alice landing on the stairs with two little dolls in tow.

"Alice?! What do you mean?!" cried Hoshiro, watching the doll maker stride up towards her.

"I watched the whole duel," said Alice, "and you used a continue right at the end. I'm afraid the perpetrator won't accept your challenge now."

Hoshiro's face fell. "But that's unfair! All I did was refuse to be defeated."

"That's what a continue is," Alice explained. "Anyway, let's resuscitate Reimu and get this place cleaned up for the feast. Shanghai and Hourai can nail the box back together."

"Shanghai? Oh, did her cramps get better?" said Hoshiro, brightening up.

"No?" Alice seemed confused. "I was joking, Hoshiro! Dolls don't have periods. Everybody knows that."