~Your Weekly Papers~

Summary

Enjoy a hard-hitting topical excerpt from the Kakashi Spirit News, contrasted with a pure and honest hit piece from the Bunbunmaru Newspaper.

Content Warning

These articles contain moments of vulgar humour which are uncharacteristic of my work as a whole. If you are under thirteen, please try to control your giggling if you're reading this in public.

~Four Dead and ¥500,000 Damage Sustained in Friendly Luncheon~

MORIYA SHRINE, YOUKAI MOUNTAIN- At 13:20 on Saturday the fourth of September, a meeting between community leader Kanako Yasaka and local craftswoman Misumaru Tamatsukuri descended into violence when a swarm of hornets entered the garden. Yasaka confronted the hornets' leader, Wriggle Nightbug, and escorted her off the shrine grounds with considerable force, drawing the ire of several itinerant youkai.

The youkai included Sekibanki Atamata and Tokiko Jiyuta, alleged members of the Grassroots Youkai Network. They attacked the goddesses with various spell-cards, and in the case of Jiyuta combat boots, to limited effect. A party of human Incident-Resolvers and a small contingent of fairies were drawn into the affray and turned it into a mud fight, during which the unfortunate fatalities took place and the shrine's main building was completely destroyed.

Tamatsukuri described the arrival of the hornets as "sudden and, um, what's another word for sudden?". When asked how the fight had started, she responded that "Kanako [had] always been standoffish, but she didn't have to kick that little youkai so hard in the rump. I can kind of see why the Grassroots got involved. Then again, they didn't really hold back either, did they?"

The initial combat was described by Bunbunmaru reporter Aya Shameimaru as "the absolute coolest". Shameimaru, having foolishly had leftover curry for breakfast, was breaking wind with alarming frequency and could barely string together one coherent sentence. Yasaka and Jiyuta both claimed to have had the upper hand in the melee, although neither side was/were (FIX LATER) able to obtain a decisive advantage.

Shrine maiden Reimu Hakurei, magic specialist Marisa Kirisame, scholar Sumireko Usami and an unidentified fourth party entered the conflict after a stray bullet struck and displaced Kirisame's hat. According to Usagi, "[...] For all we knew, they were just looking for a fight, so we gave them one. W-wait, no, not like that! DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN! Augh..." When asked about her role in the kerfuffle, Marisa explained "That was fun!"

The Moriya Shrine garden had been left "a bit soggy" by the recent rainfall, a fact that became apparent to Hakurei when she was knocked face-down into a patch of mud. Shameimaru was insufferable about the practicality of geta in muddy conditions, as per usual. Hakurei was seen chucking handfuls of mud at friend and enemy alike, an accusation she has emphatically denied.

When one of Hakurei's mud projectiles struck a local fairy, it began the fourth and final act of the conflict. Along with sisters Luna, Sunny and Star, the fairy gathered handfuls of mud and entered the affray. "She was like 'I, Cirno, greatest of the fairies, hereby declare war on [snobbish] girls in red! Prepare for annihilation!' I mean, she must be terrible in Fortnite," Usami commented, referring to an electronic sport popular in the Outside World.

Cirno's death was caused when a human, unrecognisable while covered in mud, beheaded her. Believed to be either Sakuya Izayoi or Youmu Konpaku, the human severed the fairy's neck while attempting to flick some mud off her long dagger or shortsword. Cirno's younger sisters were killed in the ensuing landslide. When later interviewed, Luna declined to comment on the fight and focused instead on the pattern of the reporter's skirt.

Sanae Kochiya, shrine maiden at the Moriya Shrine, was asked about the landslide. "Oh, that was such bad luck! Lady Kanako swears it wasn't her fault, and of course I believe her, I just wish I'd been there! I could've done something, or... I don't know. I'm sure Lady Suwako had her reasons for snoozing through the whole thing. Sure she had her reasons." Kochiya was later seen going "absolutely ham" on her punching bag.

Repairs to the Moriya Shrine are expected to cost ¥500,000 and take up to thirty-six weeks. Tamatsukuri remarked to stuck-up [dog, feminine] Shameimaru that she hoped the repairs would go smoothly, because "I am never, in a million years, having [Yasaka] round to my place."

-HATATE HIMEKAIDOU, reporter and editor for Kakashi Spirit News

~Exclusive: Kakashi Spirit News Photographer Has Hairy Legs~

Everybody knows the tengu are the best-looking, most graceful species in the world. However, it emerged recently that Hatate Himekaidou, editor, journalist, thoughtgrapher and catering manager for the Kakashi Spirit News, has hairy legs. This revalation sent shockwaves through Youkai Mountain society and has brought the Kakashi's already shaky reputation under further scrutiny.

"That's cool, I suppose?" local poultry goddess Kutaka Niwatari observed while gossiping with lesser avian youkai. Niwatari harshly criticised Himekaidou as "cooler if she could grow feathers on [her legs]" and quipped that "[She and I] aren't really friends, though. Why are you asking me so many questions?"

Historically, Himekaidou has worn long socks. Her recent switch to short socks left her hairy legs plain to see. Friends of Himekaidou (those poor souls) attempted to explain the change in terms of her "more active lifestyle", which sees her try to take photographs in person like a real journalist. It is speculated that Himekaidou's scrawny legs would overheat if she did any physical activity in long socks.

Himekaidou's leg hair was discovered by Buddhist dogsbody Nazrin Okina-Osewa, herself noticeably hirsuite. Okina-Osewa was attempting to dowse for wild black grass, but her dowsing rods instead hit upon thick hair and led her to Himekaidou's legs, a sight which made her "shriek at considerable volume" and faint.

"Hairy legs? What- what's all this about?" Okina-Osewa commented during her recovery from the incident. "Oi, what are you writing?! Recovering?! No I'm not, I didn't faint! And don't just put that as my bloody surname!" she continued, struggling to make sense while delirious from shock.

We interviewed Momiji Inubashiri, Himekaidou's long-suffering girlfriend with atrocious taste in women. "Aya, you can't be serious! It's bull[manure]!" Inubashiri quipped. "Even for you, this is low! Hairy legs?! You think that's newsworthy?! No, I don't want to talk about it! [Make love] off!" she continued, displaying the rough, honest attitude for which wolf tengu are known and admired.

"Legs? No, I never looked at them before," remarked Nitori Kawashiro, a friend of Himekaidou shocked and disgusted by the revalation. "Hm... Maybe I shouldn't give her that razor for her birthday. I wonder if Takane wants it." Kawashiro was clearly haunted by the idea, her fond memories of Himekaidou forever tainted by the image of her overgrown legs.

We reached out to Himekaidou for comment, but she refused to speak to the Bunbunmaru on the false and frankly laughable grounds that we posess "anti-Hatate bias". We always strive to present a pure and honest view of our fellow journalists, however shaggy they may be. We hope Himekaidou will reconsider her childish vendetta and shut up about the ONE TIME Shameimaru's digestive system betrayed her at the Scarlets' mansionwarming party.

Leg hair on women has been a contentious subject in recent years. Opponents describe it as unsightly and "kind of scratchy under tights". Proponents argue that it grows naturally, is harmless, and is "unfairly targeted by beauty standards which expect women to prettify themselves [sic] until they look more like porcelain dolls than real people, as if a woman in her natural state isn't good enough be seen". Opponents point out that many proponents have hairy legs.

A small number of women have have sensible reasons not to shave. One such example is the wise, talented and startlingly dishy Megumu Iizunamaru, whose exceptionally busy schedule leaves no time for grooming. Another is pure and honest reporter Aya Shameimaru, who is naturally hairless and needs no attention from a razor. We will not be accepting queries about Iizunanaru or Shameimaru due to their exceptional popularity.

Statistics reveal that 86.3119 in every 126.4515 women with leg hair are 52.9887% more likely to have arm hair. When asked about these stark figures, Gensokyo's greatest lover Alice Margatroid stated that "[Leg hair] isn't to my personal taste, but I can [...] quite unladylike, and it's certain [...] any person [...] who make that decision [...] should, admittedly, return the books [...] be directed to [...] drafted a full letter of apology."

Continuing the interview, Margatroid praised the Bunbunmaru for its insightful commentary. "You know perfectly well I didn't mean any of that, you [lightning-witted paragon among tengu]! Even if I don't like it aesthetically, I completely support [the rightful bullying of] women with body hair! All you did was butcher my words with brackets and dot-dot-dots so it looks like I said [the truth]- Hey, are you doing it now?! Stop it, you [porcelain-skinned beauty]! I said [please kiss me]! NO, DAMN YOU!!! Shanghai, Hourai, attack!"

At time of press, Himekaidou was seen drinking chilled nihonshu with those poor, kind souls who condescend to call themselves her friends, unashamedly displaying her carpet-like calves in sandals and a chessboard skirt. Although our reporter's black eye made it difficult, she spotted a tuft of armpit hair when Himekaidou raised her glass to toast Inubashiri's tragic shogi tournament win.

-AYA SHAMEIMARU, reporter and editor for Bunbunmaru Newspaper

For more hard-hitting journalism that shines a light through the cracks in society and exposes the sorry state of women's grooming, buy a weekly subscription to the Bunbunmaru today! Official Bunbunmaru blouses, chemisettes, pencils, geta, pillows, frilly bows, toy cameras and instant noodles are available in our shop. Don't be a stranger!